As a psychotherapist, I thought a lot about the transition from two to a family (3) - I think that I tried to consciously grieve and let go of that stage of my life before even having a baby. I was acutely aware of how challenging this new dynamic would be, and was focused on wanting us to be ok in it. I was not prepared for how much you grow as a person, how much motherhood rips you out of your personality and puts you back into it in a completely different way. For me, it has felt right but it also has been so challenging and transformative.

My first pregnancy was healthy and blissful. I wasn't surrounded by many individuals experiencing loss, so I wasn't that aware of how challenging it could be. Then, with my second pregnancy I had a miscarriage. And at the same time, two of my best friends experienced miscarriages and stillborns and those experiences really shaped my gratitude for what my body had done. With my first two children, I was able to give birth in a way that fit for me - in birth centers with a lot of autonomy. My current, complicated pregnancy is giving me the gift of letting go and realizing however we get our baby girl here is the right way. The other defining moment for me is how much women give themselves completely to motherhood. I am in awe of women and mothers.

You go from living a self-focused life to one where you live for others, and that was a really hard transition. Somewhere in that journey, you crave the old you and you are trying to find her in the middle of sleep deprivation, body image issues, challenging pregnancies, loss, new relationship dynamics, and all of these really hard things. The old you isn’t there anymore, and you're trying to find who the new you is within the context of being a mother and existing for other people. I think you shift and change completely while still being you, which is a very surreal experience.

Tangibly, needing to put my work on hold was very challenging for me. I have been very career driven, and the idea that my work would take a hit was hard to come around to. I defined myself by my career, and suddenly not having my work to fall back on while also managing the demands of motherhood was very difficult.

I did not anticipate the sheer love that would take over, nor the depths that I will go to to be the best version of myself for my kids. In some strange way, motherhood holds up this mirror to all of the work you need to do on yourself. And it's a motivating factor to say "I will not pass this trauma (from my childhood) onto my kids. I did not anticipate just how much my heart would beat for them completely, nor how obsessed I would be. I didn't have a great childhood experience, so loving being a mother is a gift for me

We are due with our third in April, and we also just moved here from Canada a year ago. I am still completely baby bound, but also trying to create community. I'm looking forward to meeting other mothers and using The Den’s resources. I think it's a place for a community to grow and for women to feel like they have a place for THEM, not just a place for their children.